June 22, 2013
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Be a Good Man
As you read this, I'm likely either sitting in Jack's annual IEP meeting or I'm actively trying to keep the chunks from rising in my throat as I think about it. Why? Because anxiety is a funny beast. Even though I have nothing to fear, I still do so.
It's these milestones that get me thinking about the future. My visions for Jack's future used to involve going to a certain college, perhaps pursuing a particular career (I was pushing for engineering), and a life involving family, marriage, and maybe some children.
The reality of life is that I don't know what the future will hold. There is nothing out there that says Jack absolutely cannot accomplish these things. The chances are that Jack's future will not resemble that image that once occupied our imaginations, but that's okay. Who says that he needs to achieve any of those things to be happy and successful? Who says that he can't still achieve some of those things while still needing some degree of support?
The sky's the limit, but the key is to not project and not make goals. The key is to live in the now.
That being said, I do have one wish for my son. It's a big one, but I believe achievable. Hell, I think it's easily achievable. It's not dependent on his level of independence, his level of education, or whether or not he can find employment.
I want my son to be a good man.
I've seen people use their neurological differences as an excuse for poor behavior and for treating others with a lack of respect. I've seen people claim that their neurology makes them "right" while someone else's makes them "wrong". Yes, I've seen this advocated from both the NT and autistic standpoints, and in both cases I think the person making these assumptions is wrong. Our neurology is no excuse for treating people with a lack of respect and with unkindness.
What would I like to see for my boy as he grows into a man? I would like him to love himself and feel confident in who he is. I would like to see his disabilities not have an impact on his self-esteem. I would love to see him grow into someone who knows his strengths and limitations and who can confidently and respectfully advocate for the accommodations he needs.
I would like to see my boy find his community, but I do not want to see my boy close himself off to certain people. I would like to see him find some autistic friends who understand him and can provide the support that he needs - that we all need - from people who walk a similar path.
I would like to see him have friends with disabilities other than autism, because autism is only one of the challenges my boy faces. Indeed, some of the few children he doesn't run from - some of the few that seem to make him less uncomfortable - are children with Down Syndrome. I would like to see some of these snippets of tolerance of someone in his space morph into a friendship as time goes on.
I would also like to see my son make NT friends. I don't want him to close himself off to the kindred spirits out there that see him for the wonderful person he really is.
I don't want my boy to move forward in life with a sense of entitlement. I don't want him to feel like his neurology entitles him to all take and no give. I want him to both ask for what he needs, but to not let his limitations be his excuse. I want him to understand that there are times when you should meet someone halfway.
I also don't want him believing that the world is out to get him. I don't want him walking through life feeling like a victim. I know that there will be misunderstandings between him and the rest of the world. Rather than claiming that he is being attacked, I would like to see him try - just try - to come to some level of understanding. He is allowed to expect the other party to do the same. If no agreement can be met, then I encourage him to walk away. No good comes from dragging someone else through the mud, in most cases.
I also want him to know that vulnerability is okay. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be wrong. It's even better to have the strength to admit it.
I just want him to be a good person - a good man.
I don't believe that means that he has to be a push-over. I don't believe that means that he needs to sit by and have his voice go unheard. It doesn't mean that he needs to let people take advantage of him. He does need to stick up for himself.
Here is what I want my son to know...
You will catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Be kind, radiate acceptance and warmth and generosity and you will find that people will treat you well. People will be willing to accommodate your needs if you show them the respect, kindness, and compassion that you would wish them to show you. If they don't, do not engage in a fight. Never, ever pick a fight - either verbally or physically. Know that the true mark of strength and dignity means occasionally walking away. Walking away doesn't mean you're weak or going to let someone walk all over you; walking away means you are the bigger person.
I just want my son to be a good man. The rest - independence, a job, college - is secondary. Living a life of goodness is paramount and the true measure of a person. It is the true measure of respect.
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